To Find Him
by jazzmonkey
Summary: It was all over. Her father was avenged, and she had her mother back. But then, why does she feel like she still has some loose ends to tie up?


To Find Him

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own NCIS: Los Angeles!**

_**Bold&Italics means flashback**_

_Italics means journal entry_

**Bold means thoughts**

"_**Federal Agent?"**_

"_**It's been a long day, Mom. But… I made it."**_

"_**I'm sorry."**_

"_**Do you want to come in?"**_

"_**Yeah."**_

Kensi was by far a person who broke down, or even cared to show emotion. But, tonight, she couldn't hold it in any longer. After fifteen long years of coming home to an empty house, she finally had a home. A place she could come to if she needed someone to talk to. Namely, Julia Feldman's.

Her mother's.

She sat down at her mother's dining table as they ate together for the first time since she was nine. When Kensi looked up, "Why are you staring at me like that?" she asked softly, almost unsurely. Very un-Kensi-like.

Her mother smiled, "You've grown up, honey. I still can't believe this is what you are. A Federal Agent able to go toe-to-toe with a man as big as Sam, correct?"

She nodded, "It took a lot of training."

Her mother whisked away her plate and came back to sit next to her instead of her seat across. "You have a very interesting team Kensi. They're a good group."

"I know."

"Sam, he's a military man?"

"Navy SEAL, mom. He actually has a family of his own."

Her mom continued, "And Callen, he's a little…"

"Secretive? Yeah. He's always like that."

"While I was there, two others came in. Er, Nell and Hetty?"

"Yeah. Nell's like a sister. She's a tech operator with Eric, who's a little laid back. And Hetty, is well, Hetty. She's like Callen in a way, but she has a pretty good sense of humor."

Julia smiled at her daughter, glad that she had found family away from herself. Then she smirked just the tiniest bit, "And Marty?"

Kensi blinked, "Deeks?"

"Deeks? Isn't his name Marty?"

"Yeah, but I we call him Deeks. He doesn't really like his name."

"May I know why?"

"He had a rough past, mom. He doesn't like to talk about it."

Her mother nodded, "He's nice. He has a sense of humor, but he's very caring."

"Yep. That's Deeks. He's great. Best partner I've had. Even if he has a hero-complex."

"Partner?"

"Yeah. He became my partner because I didn't have anyone."

"Isn't he police?"

"Hetty says he's our liason, but we all know that she wants him as an agent."

"What is he to you?" Julie asked softly.

Kensi looked her mother, startled at the question, "What?"

"He cares for you a lot honey. I can tell," she paused to put her hands on her daughter's, "I haven't seen that kind of love since, well, your father."

Kensi's eyebrows rose, "Mom, he's my partner."

"While that's true, and even though I haven't been in your life for over fifteen years, I know he means more to you than that." With that, her mother rose and left the room to Kensi's thoughts.

The silence was unbearable, so she took out her father's sniper journal, "Hey, Mom. Come look at this. It's Dad's-"

"Sniper journal? I already read through it. Did you?"

"Yeah."

Julia Feldman poked her head back into the doorway, "All of it?"

"Of course I read through all…of…it." Her voice slowed as her mother took the book and flipped through it before stopping at a page, and finding a small crack where she promptly pulled out another page.

"OK. Not all of it."

Her mother smiled and waited for her to read through it. Taking a deep breath, she looked down.

_Baby girl,_

_There have been some things going on, and I'm not sure I'll make it, so I need you to know: I love you. I will always be there. Forgive your mother because she did only what she thought was best for you. I'm sorry for all that you went through._

_I always wonder who you'll be. How you'll look. Then I stop. I know that you'll look beautiful, just like your mother. And you'll be independent, strong, stubborn, and utterly unstoppable. _

_I loved your mother. She was incredible, still is. But she was like you. That's what she says, until she met me. So, remember, wherever you go, have someone there with you. A man who isn't afraid to risk anything in the tiniest hope that you will live. Someone who knows you better than you do, one who knows what you'll say or do even before you've thought of it. A man who can tell you anything, and respect if you don't. _

_He'll care for you, tease you, make you laugh and make you cry without knowing it._

_A man who loves you to his last breath._

_Baby girl, he's out there. I might not be there to make sure he's the one for you, but I trust you and your mom can figure it out. You two have always been better that way._

_My dearest Kensi, remember to live, to laugh. Remember to love._

The handwriting suddenly changed to a curvy writing, but she read on.

_The man that you choose should be able to draw you in with his eyes. Tease you with his smile, and hold you in his tender touch. Kensi, even if you never forgive me, just listen to at least this piece of my advice:._

_The truth is that women hide because we want to be found, that we walk away to see who will follow, that we cry to see who will wipe them away, that we let out hearts be broken to see who will try and fix them._

_Find the man who will look until his final breath, that will follow you forever, that will dry every single tear, that will mend your heart._

_Find the man that will love you._

She looked into her mother's eyes. Her mother gave her a gentle smile. "I think you know who it is honey."

"Mom-"

"Men come and go honey. This one is ready to stay."

Kensi sighed, resigned, "I know."

**Jazz is new here! But there you have it! I couldn't help but write this all out. It was just too tempting. I wanted to do more, but I couldn't think of anything. Hope you guys liked it!**


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